Well, as many of you know, we had our last day of whole brain radiation. For me, this kind of therapy was similar to chemo in that you feel the impact of it before you are out of the building. But the fatigue was honestly the worst part. You honestly feel like you've just woken up from a nap all day long. There were a few other side effects, but nothing serious enough to mention. So fifteen sessions. It felt like an eternity, but as my pastor (Larry "OML" Yarborough) points out that many of us point out that it is bad as it's gonna get. When through all this i've learned (as he followed up with) that basically it isn't supposed to be like this, and that big picture only gets better. Big picture is all I try to focus on. Focusing on the big makes the little a little easier to tolerate. And of course, as I'm walking out a woman told Karen that the man going into the room as I left was scheduled for 45 days straight...going in for day 5. Always, no matter the situation, someone has it worse than you. Keeping that perspective has helped me find a place of peace, no matter the news. Which strange enough brings me to a confusing blog.
So the other day I was listening to the radio and they were talking about the first game of the NFL season was within weeks. It was a preseason game, but it was football none the less. It immediately took me back to early January. I was laying in bed on the floor of the neurounit at UF Health downtown. Karen and I were in the room. I was laying on the bed. The neurosurgeon who was sitting across from me and said to quit my job and enjoy the weeks or couple of months I had left. The cancer in the brain had spread, and rapidly. "With a vengeance" to be exact." I was silent as they left, then Karen and I both had our moment and I was moved to another room where Greg Rowe was waiting for me. On Greg, came out about all the life stories, hopes, dreams I have experienced or wanted to were on the tip of my tongue and needed to be said i immediately---now that my perception of time was thrown out and needed to be learned again and quick. So first, of course, I go over Harper and Karen with him. Then, while I had a pause between talking and crying. There was a little quiet. I looked up and the tv was on and it was the end of the NFL football season ESPN was showing highlights of the Redskins game. If you know me, you know my roots as a fan of the Redskins runs pretty far into the earth. It hit me that with the news that I had just received that I would never see another Redskin game. I told Greg that and felt stupid as it came off my tongue. But it felt heavy at the moment. It was a part of the everyday that has been a part of my life as long as my dad could communicate with me.
It recently amazed me when I heard the advertisement announcing the start of the new season. I didn't hear the details of the announcement, all I heard was almost 8 months ago I was supposed to not exist here anymore. Cease to be on this planet. Losing the loves/lives in my life. Not seeing the Skins punish me with another drama filled season. James Newton died the year the last time the Redskins won the Super Bowl. If I can live to see them win a superbowl, then I think I have a long ways to go on Earth. I'll take 50 superbowl appearances but not a win until the year i'm out of here. The victory would be a great way to cap of a wonderful life with Cancer treatment being an afterthought but everything else cancer brought being one of the best things I have ever had happen to me. It's strengthened my love for others with a perspective on life that I only want to share with others. I need at least 50 years to communicate that love and perspective to others. ; )"Many times I've been alone and many times I've cried any way you'll never know the many ways I've tried"- Beatles
With love,
Brian
