Our Endless Numbered Days

                I've officially been "ketogenic" for almost 6 weeks. I can still say it has not been as much of a challenge giving up the food as it has been just planning meals ahead and reading nutrition labels and the words that are in small print around them. In this month I've lost 24 lbs. It's nice not feeling the struggle between my stomach and my pants all day, but eventually the weight loss isn't going to be fun. I'm going to be very thin. I'm allowed to eat up to 2,400 calories a day on the diet; but that is a difficult task when you can't eat carbs, sugar, and you have to keep your proteins low as well.
                With that all being said, I still feel great, both physically and mentally. I look at the stinker in the picture above and still feel that my only purpose on this Earth is to give her everything I have. Whatever I have learned, whatever I have accumulated in this life, and of course model love to her mother as I want her to expect when she is loved one day- all have to be communicated to her from me. Whether I am in a great mood or am "taking a deeper look at my circumstances", this usually is what drives my thinking. The mood, as I mentioned before has been consistently positive and optimistic as of late.
                A few weeks back there were a couple of articles that I read about immunotherapy. One article was focused on the charitable/investigative work of Sean Parker (co-founder of Napster and I think the president of Facebook). So the guy is a billionaire. He has started the Sean Parker Institute, which sole focus is Immunotherapy. Apparently, he is fascinated by it. Weird, because so am I, dude. He's invested hundreds of millions of dollars into investigating this form of treatment. He invited the top 6 centers for research on Immuno to come and be a part of a collaborative effort to better understand the treatment. The key to unlocking the vault with the hundreds of millions of dollars? Share what each of them already know. Apparently, the medical profession isn't always keen on keeping each other appraised of the findings they come across. So Sean is attempting to bridge the gap and see how much quicker new therapies can be developed, tested, and approved. All because Immunotherapy fascinated him. I don't know anymore about him...but if this were all I were to ever learn about him, this is what I desire to be. He knows his platform. He's taking what everyone wants (large sums of money) and using it to find a cure for something no one wants (kooties/cancer). I hope that one day I am able to have something within me so unique that I can use to help others in the selfless manner he is. Not because it will get me any sort of fame or notoriety, but because I would like to think that it would be helping one person (or possibly millions with with a daughter like the one in the picture above who want nothing cash can buy, but only to see her grow by my side.
             The second article was about a large convention that took place where loads of scientists, oncologists, doctors, and clowns gathered (clowns were in the wrong building...embarrassing for a clown). They gathered to discuss the latest and greatest in cancer research via immunotherapy. Oncologists were quoted saying, "We haven't seen this sort of breakthrough in cancer research in decades!" and "Immunotherapy is doubling the survival rate of many of our cancer patients".
             Both of these articles put me on a high and floaty cloud that keeps me well above reality. I'm able to focus on living my everyday life without the distraction of kooties. However, this is cancer, and it's not incredibly difficult to be brought back down to the ground if you allow it. Even when things seem to be at their best, the best they've been in quite some time, the mental shift that takes you quickly back to the heavier places you try to avoid is always present. Back to the old familiar questions and uncertainties. My oncologist mentioned today that if we were to have started treating me 5 years ago that I wouldn't be sitting with him a year and a half into treatment. Humbling.
             I'm still continuing to do my part with diet (and soon exercise), while still hoping to read some new news about some immunotherapy breakthrough. I will continue to try to stay above the confusion that is kooties and just maintain who I am for my family.

                       I think I can honestly say that I've never been proud of much of anything i've done with my life. By the perspective of an average Joe, I suppose one could say I've done some things in my life that I can be proud of. People often tell me how well I handle this cancer stuff. Now, I honestly can say that I don't know how I am still here in the good condition that I am in. So, to those folks, I say thank you and act like I know what they are talking about. I appreciate the support, but I seriously doubt anyone would handle what I am experiencing any differently. Going back to my childhood all the way to my adult years, all the things I really wanted to be good at: Playing football, basketball, tag, being good at taking showers (especially after days when i've wiped), being a good skateboarder, and a good student, then a good teacher. All of these things I enjoyed pursuing, but I never felt I was the person I was supposed to be through those pursuits. At some point during all of them I could pinpoint what it was specifically that kept me from being exactly what I wanted to be in that area. That specific thing that kept me from feeling proud of what I had already accomplished.
              When Harper was born, I was still as uncertain of myself as I was all the years I failed at being what I wanted to be proud of myself for. As Harper grew, I began to love her more than I could ever have loved myself through all of my failures or successes. I was/am proud of her for all that she has done and has yet to do. The trouble is, in my shoes, I don't know when what I am watching her do is going to be the last time that happens. But it is a relief to know that I have one thing in my life that I am proud of....and the weird thing is, is that unlike things I worked to be proud of when I was younger, I don't have to work at her being a better her...and she's got nothing to prove. Nothing to do to earn that love and pride I feel for her. It will continue on beyond the length of my life and stay in her throughout hers. I wasn't born to be a football player for the Redskins. I wasn't born to teach. I wasn't born to do my current job. I was born to be a father. Harper's father. For the rest of her life.

With love,

Brian