I'll talk here, so I don't have to.

           So, I've been meaning to keep a blog or some kind of journal along the way of this "journey" since diagnosis.  There have been more reasons to do so than not, but keeping a journal or blog of my thoughts on everything...well, it always left me with this image of someone reading this if cancer had won the battle- and I wasn't in a place where I wanted to move ahead with that. I've reached a place where I don't feel that way anymore, and I have felt stronger about posting this sort of thing over the past few, turbulent months. Part of this is therapeutic and part is to be informative. Karen and I were concerned that the recent posting on her blog may have left some feeling as if they have crossed some line or have said something offensive. I want to make sure that everyone understands that is not the case. We have just reached a place where maintaining optimism is of utmost importance for the normal function of our family. The best way for us to do so is to basically, well...not talk about it. We are in a holding pattern waiting for an upcoming scan in about 3 weeks or so. From there we will learn where we go from here. We do not want to be insensitive to the feelings of others, but at this time we really have to focus on the emotional well being of our family. This first entry will be going back to the beginning of all this.
           What has recently been a humbling thought is that I have not shared any time with Harper without having active cancer present in my body. Throughout this entire experience I have longed for the time when I can be the father I want to be to Harper....both physically and emotionally. Cancer has wrecked me in both areas. I have rarely had the energy to play with her on the level I want. There are times when I don't want to be alone with her because it is hard to contain my emotions and I don't want her to see that side of me so frequently. I don't want anyone to think that this is an occurrence that lingers over our house daily. For the most part I feel we are very happy and functioning very well with the assistance of our amazing village of support. I have come to accept that I may never function at the same physical level that I once did before all this mess. That doesn't bother me much as I have proven to most of you that I can or could dominate you in any sport you came to me with. Redirecting...As long as I can be everything Harper needs me to be, that's all I want.
            I'll continue to leap back in time with most postings, until I'm up to present day. You are likely to find that many of these postings are going to be laced or titled with lyrics of music that I find myself listening to lately during this "journey". I used to listen to music almost solely for creative lyrics and talented musicians. Now I find myself really listening to music/lyrics that connect directly with the circumstance we find ourselves in. The music isn't something that I would normally expect to find on my playlists, but it's been a great new chapter in my love for music. As Richard Ashcroft once said, "I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me". Sounds dramatic. I'm not in pain, but optimistic music sure does help with whatever state of mind we find ourselves in.

"What if I say i'll never surrender?"-Dave Grohl

With love,

Brian