As I mentioned in a previous blog,
I've had active
cancer in my body since Harper was born. Now, I may not have been aware
of it until some time after her birth, but it's been present.
Experiencing both cancer and being a father simultaneously has made me
more aware of what direction my life has been and is going and how
effective I have been at following that path. Karen and I had no idea
how much Harper would have to rely on her for everything and how much I
would have to rely on Karen for to be a single mother, but also to be
everything else for the family.
In retrospect,
I've always loved
life. The happiness, the pain, and the people who brought both to my
life. Not to sound deep like I should have a "coexist" sticker on my
car, but I've appreciated everyone I've grown with or through. I may not
like all of them, but I have appreciated them. It took me reaching a
certain age to learn to appreciate the bad as much as the good that
comes my way. Having Harper with Karen
was something I never could have prepared for. Watching her lay in her
swaddle, I just felt overwhelmed by her vulnerability. I would do
anything to preserve that. In the process I realized how vulnerable it
left me. I've always been afraid of being vulnerable. I think most are,
but with Harper, I've never been so proud to be vulnerable in her.
Putting all that she needs in front of anything I need, am, or pretend
to be. She is the great equalizer. When Karen and I sing her to sleep,
it's the hardest time of the day for me as it forces me to see her
vulnerability and I am reminded that I have to look at her in that vulnerable state,
aware that cancer may keep me from protecting that for as long as I want
to. Adam Duritz wrote a lyric about being a father to a daughter that
really captures the indescribable feeling of the unexpected love between
a parent and a child. He wrote, "every time she sneezes I believe it's
love and oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing". He wasn't and
I'm not. So much love that you wonder if a lifetime is enough time to
reflect what you feel towards your child in a way that they will
understand and remember. One of the most difficult things I've had to
come to terms with is that Harper, if cancer wins in the early rounds,
will not remember me through her own memories. She will have to rely on
pictures, videos, and stories of her father from those i love and
who knew me best. Selfishly I want her to remember me because I want her
to know she was/is loved by me more than she'll ever be loved by anyone
else. True or not I want her to know it. Unselfishly, I just want her
to know she was loved so that she will grow up to be a well balanced
human being. Not ever feeling different and that somehow I am reflected
in some way in her interactions with others. It's been a difficult balance trying to prepare for the worst while praying/hoping for the best...and not reflecting the fear I have of not making her life all I want it to be when I'm with her. Just watching her in all her innocence and life yet to be lived makes thinking about tomorrow with an emotionless face near impossible. She gives ample courage to any aspect involving our fight with cancer. She is our reason for "fighting" but also why the fight is so scary when I feel I have so little control over the outcome.
So we focus on today and tomorrow. Anything thinking past that is done with hope and is only out of necessity.
"And every word is nonsense but I understand and and
oh lord. I m not ready for this sort of thing." Adam Duritz
With love,
Brian
We used to have two pear trees in our side yard and they had the largest pears I ever saw. My Mom said it was because there was once an outhouse where the larger tree was planted. I told my Mom that I remembered the outhouse and I remembered when my oldest brother fell into it. she laughed and told me there was no way to remember that event. We moved into our home the year I was born and at that time we had indoor plumbing. My Mother told me I had heard that TRUE story over the years and I guess I had envisioned it. The point I want to make to you, Brian, is the Harper will remember/know a lot more than you can ever imagine about the love you showed her when she was small. I still THINK I saw my brother fall into the outhouse. He was ten years older than I was. And the outhouse was at an earlier home BEFORE I was born. Because family kept that true story moving from home to home, from family gatherings to family gatherings, from Christmas to Christmas.....I BELIEVED that I had EXPERIENCED it. Love Harper and Karen TODAY and TOMORROW will take care of itself.
ReplyDeleteChildren are a goft from God they are his angels that he has put in our lives to love and be loved. Harper will know you through our Lord. He is our guide and knows the number of hairs on our head. We know that all things work together for those that love the Lord. I live you
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