There is a river i've found...

          So, a bit of continuation from yesterday's blog...
           I have to admit that I have struggled (and would guess many of you have) with control in the relationships we have had. Whether we are going all the way back to learning to share a toy in kindergarten to adult relationships where we just appreciate the person you are with without trying to force your opinions on them. It's a growing process. I think most parents want to protect their child from everything out there. I'm told that eventually you have to learn to let go because you have to let them figure some things out themselves, and that you cannot be there for every single situation. Part of the struggle for me is knowing that my time, most likely, is going to be cut shorter than most parents. So I have to accept the fact that I am going to have to let go all at once and trust that what is left in place will suffice. I've wrestled with this since the better part of the last year. What will Harper's environment be like? Is the neighborhood safe enough for my girls? Will Harper's life feel empty as a result of being raised by a single parent? What I can control out of this is something that you can't walk down to the bank or store and make a transaction to fix. It's not something that I could go out and set in place in a day, week, or month. The peace that comes to me is the realization that over the 40 years I have lived, my life has been filled with some pretty amazing people. I don't know that friends is a fair label. The people in my life have been present because: 1. I aspire to be like them. 2. They are either hoping to get something out of my presence in their lives, or they think this education thing really is a front for me creating meth out of an RV and want in on the action. Well, I am an educator. I am bald, with facial hair. I have cancer. I love breaking bad, but I have no experience in chemistry. So, my point is that I've always believed that the people in my life are as good as I believed they are, but these recent events only further support my faith in them. 
         If I knew the future AND If I could go back in time, I don't think I could have surrounded myself with a better group of people to be in my daughters life, should something happen to me. That's kind of the  hope, right? That the people you choose to be around have like character to yourself and that will reflect who you are to your daughter. If she can't know me intimately by my physical presence being with her, then she can know me by the people I choose to be like, myself. Each person has some sort of trait that I want to display in myself, but I'm sure I don't do so on the same plane that they do. It's my hope that through these people, that she sees who I wanted to be like myself and that will in some way influence her own development. I often wonder if some people who may be in shoes like mine and do not have the peace of knowing that their lifetime investments in others is paying off in the best way it can.... Supporting the growth of the love of your life. In a world where I've fought the need to control what's close to me for most of my life, it's a comfort I cannot buy or acquire at 40 to know that the people I love the most will protect the hearts and shape the  lives of my wife and daughter by reflecting the life/love that we have shared over the years.

"I had to be what never was"- Dave Grohl

With love,

Brian