You were.

         When I daydream (which is often) it's not usually about anything except Harper. I think about how tall she might be, how she is going to look in a few years, and usually what areas she is growing in...both physically and mentally. If how protective I feel is healthy for me or for her. 

          Because of cancer I have to check my daydreaming as to not go too far down the road. That's difficult and usually puts an end to the daydream. I look at women all around me and wonder what their lives were like growing up. Karen and I often watch the show Intervention. When we first started watching, we would always wait for what seemed to be the inevitable moment in the story when you hear about some kind of tragedy that occurred early in the life of the addict. Either they were abused in some way or a member of their immediate family died. Didn't happen in every show, but it absolutely happened in the majority of the lives of the addicts. Now when we watch the show I am left thinking that this could be Harper and am reminded of how this is just one of those things I can't control. I don't think it is likely because of the kind of mother Karen is and because of the village we have around us, but it still reaches deep in me and scares me to death. 

            My dad died when I was 17. We had a pretty rocky relationship. I was full of insecurity, anger, and an inability to work through it because of me having the maturity of a 14 year old. I easily could've run the addiction route. The tendency for addiction runs like wildfire in my family. I very easily could have become what Intervention's odds would have me be...but I didn't. Matured 14 years or so, the path of least resistance should've been laid out in front of me, but I was pulled in another direction. 

          I was part of a village of friends who kept me from drifting too far from the path that led me to the family I have today. Without my mother, my  friends, and their parents I most likely would've ended up the predictable statistic.

          I take peace in that nowadays. Believing that the village we have in place will pick up where I inevitably will leave off. That peace allows me to daydream a little further down the road. When I can have conversations with Harper where she knows that I've lived a full life. I've loved and been loved more than I need for this lifetime. I've seen some of the most beautiful places on earth and have found myself through my relationships with those I love. 

           I remember watching Forrest Gump when I was around 29? (Not for the first time). There is a scene at the end where Forrest is recapping a few of the moments of his life that seemed to mean the most to him to the love of his life, Jenny.  Most of them were really amazing moments he spent alone in nature. You may remember Jenny saying "I wish I could've been there with you." He replied to her, "you were." It really made me want to see the world.

           I spent a few years plugging in hiking trips when I could. I want to be able to have those conversations with Harper. I want her to know that if she is able to travel to those places and beyond, that I'll be with her too. Physically or not. 

With love,

Brian